Since the last update Michael has lost weight, lost energy and had an increase in pain. That one sunny day Saturday 10/26/24 when we went on a hike was really out of alignment with how he had been feeling. So, it was a real gift. Since then, it seems he is fading from this life here. He has had moments of fun connections with me, Hazel, Dave and Hope, or young friends who come to visit Sunday morning before church. But he has only left the house now for a blood test last week and for another paracentesis, that happened Monday.
I am reminding myself that we are definitely into the dark and rainy months in Eugene, so that lack of sun can cause depression for someone who is used to sunny California.
It is still a mystery as to which way things will go. That is the tricky part. I am finding it hard for me to let go of the always striving for health for him, which, it turns out, I have done for years, since first learning of his hepatitis C diagnosis in 1990. And he has had many healthy years, but there comes a time when a person can tire of the effort. So, I am hopefully learning to let him make his own choices at this time, and not to push my healing agenda in his direction. Haha! He already pretty much refuses to take his supplements these days, and I am OK with that.
He is still here mentally but pretty weak physically and the mere act of eating food can start a painful process in his gut. Beyond that there is the looming of another GI bleed, and/or blood infection. He (and I) are not sure we want to use aggressive measures to recover from those situations but at the same time, it’s difficult to say “Yes, this time I’m going to let death run it’s course.”
Sounds pretty gloomy? Maybe… but I am determined to enjoy what I can of his presence while he is still present. Death is a natural and wonderful process. God help me to allow death so new life can emerge!
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