Hello my friends!
My pneumonia improved and resolved quickly thanks to antibiotics and qigong practice. Thankful.
Grief comes over me in waves, sometimes coming to the surface bringing tears and the desire to throw some kind of tantrum. Then it subsides, lurking in the subconsciousness, a low vibration.
This has led to sessions of desperate connection with God and/or source and/or my higher self. A friend recommended a podcast that helped. It is an interview with Lisa Miller, Ph. D. a Professor and Director of Clinical Psychology, as well as the Director of the Spirituality & Mind Body Institute. She says don’t ask: Why is this happening TO me BUT say: Why is this happening FOR me. Everything and I mean everything is for the highest good.
Some kind of planetary alignment allowed me to complete ALL the projects Michael had assigned to me while he was in the process of departing. I wasn’t excited about replacing the shed- I thought it still worked just fine, later to find out it really was crumbling. With the help of Hope, Hazel, Peter, and neighbors Linda and Steve I cleared out the old shed which included removing a rat’s nest with 5 lives babies in it! Next an all-day demo was done by associates of the Better Built Barn company. After that, the shed I had designed and they had built off-site was installed in my yard.
Another project that Michael was wanting me to do was to repair and paint the West side of our house. It is where we had to remove our carport and there was bare wood showing. I had tried and tried and no painters had been available. But then, the same week that the shed went up, a painter was scheduled to come and he did a wonderful job.
This all happened right around the weekend that I had committed to volunteer at Sol Creek Farms campground during the duration of the Oregon Country Fair. Yes folks, I survived camping 4 nights. My first campout without Michael. Picture a giant 6-person tent and my bed roll and back pack off in one corner. Michael and I got the big tent because often in California while camping the winds would pick up and we would put our chairs into the tent and sit inside during the evenings.
The Oregon Country Fair was started in 1969 as a charity fund raiser. Since that time, it has persisted and grown into a non-profit organization with an emphasis on sustainability, community and creativity. There are many performances each day, a constant drum circle, and a wild selection of parades. When you arrive at the fair and follow a long pathway wending through woods and fields you are greeted by volunteers and almost everyone exclaiming “Happy Fair!” as though it was a regular holiday like New Years, Christmas or Easter. Most people wear costumes- dressing up in anyway they see fit. Keep in mind this can mean less is more, and be prepared to see more because of LESS clothing.
Many people camp at the fair itself. Those that have booths have little camp areas behind them and there is also a large camping area more out in the open for everyone else. It is often very crowded and facilities can be limited per capita.
Our campground had more facilities, easily accessible water and even hot showers, although there was usually a line for those. There was also a café where you could get coffee, snacks and food, most times.
Our tent was called “Refuge” and we provided space for people to decompress. This included foot washing, Asian tea service, sound baths and what we called “spiritual encounters”. We found it best to flow with whoever showed up and not try to be organized. All kinds of people showed, some to heal after heartbreaks, some got dreams interpreted and some just connected with others often jamming with the simple musical instruments we provided: singing bowls, rattles, drums, guitars, mandolin, and ukelele. People brought their own instruments as well.
It was a wonderful time with my friends. This is primarily the group Michael and I started meeting with on Sunday mornings before church along with a few others.
Then on Monday I had to go home so I could pay all the contractors. There was hardly any internet where we camped.
And the house was empty and hollow. Another grief wave hit me. The trigger? I think I saw Michael’s flip flops still lying there on the porch. Why hadn’t I seen these before? I thought. Perhaps I need to remove ALL of Michael’s belongings so I am not reminded. OK, well the flip flops are still lying there in that same askew position, 2 weeks later.
Change is hard. It is hard to switch tracks. I was on such a good one with Michael, and for 51 years. I asked for help.
And the dragons were there. I started drawing Chinese Dragons. I did post some photos of my pictures on Instagram today. In case anyone reading has an account. In Chinese lore, they are in charge of weather. They are purveyors of prosperity, power, and good fortune. You often see them with clouds around them. Thus, they are a sign of control in ever changing atmospheres.
In the midst of all the commotion, grief and change, I was comforted by the sense of a very large dragon who positioned himself all around me, just for my protection. He had a deep soothing, masculine voice. He was just being there, letting me lay on his belly, a support from underneath. I put my whole face and belly on his belly.
This is part of the letting go of tension. Tensions caused by fear, worry, and anxiety. Why is change so hard? I have to say FEAR is a huge factor. I want to nurture trust: Trust in God, trust in myself and how I was fashioned, trust in others.
I feel Michael teaching me to find his energy a different way (he is not hear physically) and integrate it into my own energy. It is an alchemical change of sorrow into strength. Fear into resolve to move forward in trust.
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