A lot has happened with the movement of spring into summer. For one thing I have taken a deeper dive into my studies of qigong. I do online classes for the most part. My students and outreach is growing. I also took a separate course in Chinese Face Reading, which is fascinating and I believe will be an adjunct to the healing benefits of qigong.
Towards the end of May and the beginning of June I found myself almost desperate for a mate and still disliking living alone. In my usual fashion I set out to “fix” my situation. I joined, not one but two different dating apps: eharmony.com and seniormatch.com. OK, I did ask my guides, the Holy Spirit, whoever does really talk to me and they did say: That is OK to try, you will learn about yourself. I also tried going contra dancing one night. That is a form of folk dancing where you change partners often during the dances. So, maybe speed dating on steroids? I stayed until 10pm which is way past my bedtime and could barely sleep that night because I kept feeling like I was spinning around and around. Being spun around is a big part of contra dancing.
The next day I leaned hard into the dating aps. I needed to find eligible men who were hopefully within 30 miles of me. I thought, I’ll just cruise through the profiles and find someone I can just go on a coffee date with this coming weekend. At least get the process started. Not so fast! I think there were initially only around 4 people in the Eugene area. And they were either too scary to message, or when I reached out to them, they gave no response. Of course I got likes from people in Eastern Canada, or Nevada and California. And strangely there were younger men in their 40s and 50s saying they wanted to connect. I told one guy, “You are certainly handsome, but too young for me.” He responded “I am very mature for my age. Let me prove it to you!” No Thanks!
Then I started feeling bad for all these lonely guys- there is a sense of desperation in the collective online. OK, I had that sense myself.
After a lot of frustration of trying to use the apps (especially eharmony fyi) and frustration at finding no one I could even talk to in person, I took a break and asked myself why was this so important to me? Then I realized what I really had to let go of was this feeling that on my own I wasn’t enough. I realized that in the hierarchal cult church for 47 year I had it drilled into me that I couldn’t really be anyone without a husband. The man was the key, and you just gave yourself to him. When I realized this, I pretty much let go of the prospect of a mate like a hot potato!
So much relieved, and seriously OK being on my own, I went on to get a major HVAC upgrade on my house, and other things just started happening: Hazel graduated from 5th grade, one of my students hosted a cocktail party, my spring session of teaching ended and I have just started the summer session.
Then my good friend Peter (who officiated at Michael’s memorial) and another close friend, Isaac, both young people who have been part of our spiritual connection meetings on Sunday mornings, suddenly needed a place to stay! Something in the vents of their rental was causing respiratory problems! They asked if they could move in and I was so happy to have them. It feels much more like home having others in the house. Michael and I had people live with us for most of our married life. These guys don’t even watch TV. They are always doing creative projects. Like making movies, drawing pictures, and going on adventures.
I am so thankful.
Three weekends ago- the weekend of Father’s day, I got to go on another camping trip to Mt. Shasta with my friend Jonathan, his girlfriend Kellie, and another friend Megan.
It was beautiful but hard, because it opened up a whole new level of grief for me. I just remembered how much Michael loved to hike and to sit on rocks to meditate. I even thought about my dad not because it was Father’s Day – he just showed up in my mind. He showed up as a young man, 15 years before I was born, he and my mother had just gotten married and traveled to Alaska and camped out with friends for the summer. My dad became a mountain guide, taking tourists on hikes. I just thought about how much he loved the outdoors and would have loved climbing Shasta back then.
Well, lots of tears and good people to be with.
Next weekend we are going to have our Refuge tent again at a campground next to the Oregon Country Fair. We do things like wash feet, serve tea, and pray with whoever shows up. I am looking forward to that. Also, during that time, I will be teaching qigong at a sanctuary dome there 3 mornings during the weekend.
Going forward: during the last week in July through the first week in August, I am taking time off work to go to my Energy Arts school in Colorado to learn more qigong from Master Bruce Frantsiz and other senior teachers. Also, I plan to travel to San Antonio to greet John and Mandy’s new baby girl around the first week of September!
What did I learn? Life is too amazing to try and rush through it and not enjoy every phase. Any parent knows this all to well. Also I do not need to “fix” things. God almost always has a bigger and better plan!
What makes life hard? It feels hard because things aren’t going the way I planned, or the way I think they should go. It is amazing how much that alone can cause stress. Yes, I do NOT like being without Michael, but can I slow down and enjoy all the miracles that keep coming my way? I sure hope so!
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