Hello Friends!
Last Wednesday, 11/27, I had to drive to Portland and back by myself for some specialty health care I can only get there. This was a BIG deal for both Michael and me since he has always been my driver, especially for any long distance. I drove Michael’s car, a bigger, plug in car, that uses gasoline for longer trips as needed. It took some time to get used to the cruise control. I felt my shoulders tense up as I flew north on the I-5. Coming home I had relaxed a bit but I did hit Thanksgiving weekend traffic.
Proud of myself when I walked in the door I exclaimed, “I am home and I think I need a margarita!” I hadn’t had one in around 6 months. He was delighted that he hadn’t worried about me, but OK, he did binge watch “The Diplomat” to keep his mind busy. He had been visualizing getting pasta from Olive Garden for a number of weeks. Normally I would order it and head over to pick it up. But there he was putting on his shoes. He actually drove me to The Olive Garden knowing there was a full bar so I could get my margarita wish! So sweet of him.
We hold hands when we walk together these days, OK not for any romantic reason but I am there to support him if he stumbles or gets dizzy. On the way home after lunch I was possibly dizzier than he was. We held hands and Michael laughed saying, “If you go down, I go down with you!” We both laughed and then wandered around like 2 drunk old people trying to figure out where we parked the car. It was very funny. And an amazing moment in time. Like sunshine showering on our weaknesses together, we could see way beyond our faults into the vast opportunities for kindness we had for each other.
I like to look at each day as full of little gifts, it is just important to be aware of the gifts, and to allow the gifts. If my head is so full of worry about the future or the past there is no room for that awareness.
Also, that week I received a wonderful helpful message from the Holy Spirit. I had been awake for a good portion of the night, doing my regular worrying, trying to “fix” things, looking for solutions to help Michael. Most were centered on fear of me not being able to handle what was to come with Michael in the near future. I prayed for help to be able to sleep and get needed rest and I heard these words- intuitively inside my mind. “Stop focusing so much on his physical presence and focus more on his evolving soul.” Wow. Helpful. I also intuited that “Things will get a lot easier soon.”
Over the days I thought about the last statement. The only way things will get easier for me is if I am able to let go of fear and worry. Room has to be made for spirit to speak clearly. Letting go of my human fears makes room- opens doors for first experiencing the joy of life (which includes death) and then today I felt that now new things can come – new ways of doing things.
Adaptation has been a big deal to me. I am learning new ways to do things. Now I do all the chores and feed Michael, bring him what he needs, organize his meds, do all the yard work, etc. etc. I could get really stressed about all of that, but when I really let go of the fear I realized, no I ENJOY all of that. Seriously, I love to take care of Michael. It is my current expression of appreciation for all those years of him watching over me in the best way he knew how. Now I am evolving to learn a new way. It is a great opportunity and I am not doing it alone. I am surrounded by friends and support. For example, one of our new friends (a student of mine) likes to do reflexology and so she comes over to give Michael foot rubs on a regular basis.
Thanksgiving was fun, I spent the day at my cousin’s huge house (3 story converted barn) with around 25-30 guests (including Dave, Hope and Hazel), and a number of high-end chef’s cooking. Yes, the food was delicious. Michael rested at home with one request for food: pie.
Last Sunday, before church, we filled the den surrounding Michael with an even larger group than our usual. All there to share and talk about our evolving spiritual walks. Connections keep growing and all our faith together keeps expanding. God is good! There is so much more available than what we perceive with our narrow human focus. I am so thankful.
As of today, it seems we were able to make an appointment on 12/18/24 here locally for a drain exchange and also a more permanent drain placement for the ascites. Both of these procedures should make him more comfortable over all! No need to drive to Portland and no need to go to the ER. Yay!
Leave a Reply