First of all, I want to thank all of you for your prayers and love which you have so generously poured out on my behalf. Your outpouring of love is truly life giving. This past month I kept asking God to heal me so I can have another chance to live and give and minister as I have in the past as an elder and teacher. I opened up to my desire knowing it may not happen but I was graced with the courage to be honest about it.
Monday, two days ago, I had a moment of clarity while speaking with my doctor: I’m dying. My liver isn’t able to keep up with all the things it needs to do and I’m facing end-stage liver failure.” It’s not new news but I was able to see it with more clarity and my denial, still clinging on in spite of everything, faded some more. I sat there in the doctor’s office, tears running down my cheeks, letting it all sink in.
Yesterday, without warning, I went into a tirade over unanswered prayer. Sarah was there to witness it. I was mad at God and myself, I was upset over Christian teachings on prayer, and angry that Christians seem in denial concerning unanswered prayer. Some of you will remember the ongoing prayer, intercession, and prophetic utterance for John Stevens, the founder of our fellowship–and our insistence that he be healed of cancer and live to continue leading us into a manifestation of God’s kingdom on earth. I was in my 30’s and believed with all my heart that it was God’s will for Stevens to live, and I strongly believed in the vision and the teaching, and so his death was absolutely devastating. God didn’t answer our prayers; He didn’t answer my prayers! That should have shaken me out of the fellowship but like so many others, I ended up adjusting my beliefs, if you will, and accepted that Gary Hargrave was Stevens’ “Joshua,” who would lead us into the kingdom.
Why didn’t our prayers for Stevens work? Did I lack faith? What did we do wrong, or what were we missing? Does God intervene in the affairs of man? I still don’t have answers but I have some thoughts.
The apostle Paul tells us that we don’t know how to pray as we should but the Spirit helps our weakness and intercedes for us according to the will of God. And John says if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. It is probably a good thing that prayers outside of God’s will are not answered. Praying for God to punish someone who hurt you, or for God to give you favor above another to get a job, win a war, or win a race–these prayers are misplaced.
Jesus only did what he saw the Father doing. And when he faced his own cross he prayed, “Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.” And this brings me back to my story. I want to be healed and I know it is possible, but I want God’s will to be done, not mine, not ours, but God’s. God is Love. Love never, not ever, never fails! I want to put my trust in Love. Whatever outcome, whatever happens, it will be a manifestation of Love succeeding in guiding me into a new day I haven’t even imagined.
This morning in a dream I entered a crowded living room. A young man was lying on the floor and I gently kicked a fluffy ball at him. As I walked by he grabbed my ankle, stood up, wrapped his arm around my chest from behind and fell backwards to the floor, taking me with him. I didn’t resist. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. My mind was relaxed. Somehow the fall was slow and not hurtful. I laid there in total peace and said, “Congratulations, you just tackled a 74-year-old man. Thanks for doing it so gently.”
I don’t know how many days or months I have left and I don’t know if it’s God’s will that I be healed or not, but I do want to rest in trust and like Jesus proclaim, “not my will but Thine be done.” Love will not fail. We’ve asked for healing long enough; God will do as He pleases. Let us love Him and love one another. Hold me in Love; hold me in the Light; bless me with grace and peace that passes understanding. That will be more than enough.
Thank you dear ones. Love,
Michael
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