Hello friends!
To follow up on last report: We visited our primary care physician (PCP) and she confirmed there is no ascites-no current liver failure. Yay! Also, she thought perhaps the increased gut pain was due to a new supplement we were trying. We have since stopped that but there is not much improvement in the bloating and indigestion. We read up on a nutrition book provided by the cholangiocarcinoma foundation and it looks like his symptoms may be from insufficient pancreatic enzymes. So, we are experimenting with some digestive enzymes and waiting to hear back from the PCP on that.
I can get very encouraged (hikes, no ascites, no progression of cancer) and when Michael feels crappy which just happens with no warning, I seem to crash and burn. So still no fevers which is AMAZING, however he still has bad days, where the best he can do is wander around the yard a bit and sit in the recliner.
If I live in the current, in the now, and not waste my time with future “what ifs,” the now can be exactly what is needed. Here is my new revelation: Worrying comes in a negative form and a “positive” form. Neither is correct. I am learning to not set up a future that I believe for (Michael strong and well) and create that in my mind with expectation that it should happen right away–because that is just as bad as worrying. It is all based on a future myth. The only reality is the present. Here are the words that came to me from Spirit (God, Jesus, Atman–I don’t know! –just that the words that come are always instructive and comforting, although often challenging.)
“Accept that you are loved, deeply to your core. Every peculiarity is a rare diamond of opportunity to express, create and receive love. Receive love deeply. Especially in those “rough” places, the parts you have labeled as not good, or a problem, or even a disease or a sickness. . . .“
So how do I receive disease or sickness as love???? What? Perhaps it is all part of some unearthly training I am receiving. All things work together for good. Right? I can say that now and shrug my shoulders, but yesterday I was just crying nonstop instead, saying–“What is all the torture for?”
It does seem that good always does come out of the hard times but it takes time and integration.
Last Monday I was all excited to go on another hike with Michael. He got all ready, putting on his hiking shoes and then just said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do it today.” I was sad but I was also proud of myself because I went anyway without him. Of course, I got lost which just shows how reliant I am on his amazing sense of direction. Hah! But I did find my way and I had a wonderful hike. I walked under the cool arbor of trees, douglas firs, maples and hazelnut, and felt the welcome sigh and comfort of the presence of green strength!
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