This is the first update that Michael hasn’t reviewed, so read at your own risk. Hah! However, I did give him a brief overview of the content.
It has only been a week since the last update but I am shocked by how much Michael has declined in that one week. He hasn’t been able to eat hardly at all due to the ascites. Yesterday he had a paracentesis done and his appetite came back since there is room for food. That is good, he is still eating. However, he is very jaundiced due to bilirubin in the system that the liver is not being able to clear out. He is not able to walk well without support, he gets dizzy a lot, and he has a strange gait. I think his nervous system is taking a hit, which includes the brain. He says he can’t figure out easy math problems and is getting confused on dates, times etc.
I am having to be more vigilant and watch his movements around the house. (OK he doesn’t move around the house much!) Next Wednesday a drain exchange is planned and that does have the potential of lowering the bilirubin, however that takes time, and it is not a sure thing. It has definitely helped in the past, but he hasn’t been this jaundiced or mentally affected ever before.
Today I ask for prayers for everything to flow well with Michael and with me. I know we are embraced and held by love on this side and the other side of the veil.
The other night I imagined dancing in the light, the light that is in all and through all. That light that makes us move and have our being. It is something I do know how to do: dance. Dancing to forget, dancing to let go and dancing to create and know, all that is needed to know.
I worry that I won’t be able to care for Michael well enough, that I will mess it up somehow, but intuitively I know that is not only improbable but impossible. But just in case send a prayer to enable me… to do and to be and to become.
We still have our little rituals that comfort us. They just have to gradually change with time and necessity. Now there is a chair in the bathroom so Michael can sit if he gets dizzy while cleaning up in the morning or getting dressed, or undressed. Now I try to walk with him when he moves from room to room. But we can still watch silly TV shows together at night, and currently we are sleeping together and just being together at night. I count it a privilege. We are in a sacred dance together, a time when the veil thins and being a witness, a participant, is a great privilege. The hospice people know this.
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