Michael’s decline due to liver failure is happening fast. Monday the 23rd we placed a hospital bed in the den again. He was too weak to stand. His speech became more slurred. By Christmas eve he was unconscious a lot of the time, but also frustrated because he couldn’t explain what was happening to him and/ or understand often what I was trying to tell him. Hospice nurses came every day. Christmas eve day, a powerful nurse came who was the most like a death doula I have ever met. She had him look her straight in the eyes and she listened to him validating all his experiences. He was seeing two realms, two selves and it was confusing. She told him that is perfect and that he was going between the two realms and she also said he was very articulate for someone in his state. I said, well, he is very good at articulating his thoughts! After that his care became simpler. He had a permanent catheter placed so he wouldn’t try and get up in the middle of the night to pee. That certainly helped me a lot! He stopped taking most meds except some pain meds and some that can help him relax and not get so frustrated. Then Christmas he had warm milk with honey in the morning, it turns out that was his last meal. Thursday, he had completely lost the ability to speak and also to swallow. The nurses said I could swab his mouth with a wet sponge to hydrate it more. He will acknowledge a person with a nod and then may just pass out again. The nurses say he is doing great, it is a step-by-step process, first the body dehydrates and that helps it to be able to shut down the organ systems.
On Christmas eve our neighbor watched Michael since Hope, Hazel and I went to a candle light service at the church I have been attending. It was really lovely.
Then we had a sleepover together so I wouldn’t be alone. Hazel made sure we all got together to open presents in the morning. David had even brought their little Christmas tree to our house. Christmas day we had lunch together and then they all left around 3. Michael was just resting all day. At night I was able to sleep in my bed since hospice gave me a baby monitor so I can hear if he groans or is in pain and I can get him meds.
John McMullen is flying up to be with us tomorrow through Tuesday. That will be a big support for me. I also have some local friends who are a big help and will be going forward.
My grieving started hard core when I couldn’t really talk with him anymore, and his cognitive processes became severely limited. I realized also that I have been in a grief mode of sorts over the last 2 years.
This Sunday, December 29, 2024 will be our 51st anniversary. But unlike the first anniversary, it is not a time of committing to a life together on this earth as in our past, but it is a time of setting each other free, into new realms, and new possibilities. He to a different world than we all normally see, but with plenty of creativity and influence on this realm. Me to find my way into being led into service and love the best way Christ can lead me. It will be a time of grief, but also discovery. It was impressed on me that the key is to just move forward: move through the grief, process it, feel it, give it what is due but don’t become stuck in it. There is much new life beyond. Grief breaks the heart apart so love can more freely move in and out with no blocks or bars.
Please pray for a smooth and light filled transition for both of us! Thank you all!
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