It has been 12 days since my last post, and so much has happened. I wrote this in four different sittings to try and keep up. Finally last night Michael reviewed it and I will send it today.
For me this was a process of coming to the end of my proverbial rope. At the end there, hanging, I realize, I am not strong enough to climb back up and the only option is to let go. That takes a certain bravery, or more specifically a trust, a trust in grace knowing I am surrounded by love no matter what the circumstance.
Wednesday 7/17/24, Michael got the shakes with a fever again so we were concerned enough to go the local ER. We got good care there; they did urine test and blood test and gave him IV for hydration. He started feeling better. The doc said there was nothing conclusive in the urine test and it would take awhile to see if there is any result with the blood culture so the decision was made not to give him another antibiotic that may have to be changed. The doc also said to manage discomfort with Ibuprofen if Michael is too sick to sleep, drink, or eat. We were happy with this decision and went home after 5 hours at the ER. Record time. Michael still had mild discomfort and fevers Thursday, but on Friday he really got UTI symptoms. So, we went to Kaiser lab for a urine test. The weekend passed with some fever but not much discomfort. I am thinking his body is doing a great job fighting something. Then we got a call from a Kaiser doc on Sunday saying the urine culture shows a definite UTI and she prescribed antibiotic and also wanted him to get another blood culture before taking the antibiotic to be safe. So, Monday morning we went back to Kaiser for a blood draw. He had his first antibiotic right after his blood draw around 830AM. Then at home within the hour he got the shakes and fever. A LOT of shakes. And they kept going for almost two hours. Shakes usually indicate a blood infection. What to do? Usually, I opt to call a doctor and Michael says NO, let’s wait. I did try to call a doctor but they were slammed and so I was not able to get in line for a phone call. Michael took an ibuprofen and within a half hour his shaking stopped. He continued feeling weak and a bit feverish.
Sometimes I feel like I am walking along this ridge, a fine line between death and life. I keep staring at death and it really is just a transition between here and there. And there is this fear that comes with it, like I’m going to lose the familiar something I sort of think I can control–the all-about-me life, or the about me and mine, them and their life. It’s a feeble attempt at holding on to some form of life, to exist a little longer on the planet in some kind of state or another. BUT I believe it can be life as a pulsating adventure that expands outward and pulls the material realm into something more powerful, more creative, and more real than some idea or shadow of what I might think life is about. Now that state is worth living in. And this can be done no matter how weak or handicapped I am externally. This is what I witness in Michael. If I could only live in that awareness!!
To continue the saga: Tuesday morning a Kaiser doctor called and asked if there had been shaking. Yes, there had. She directed Michael to go to the ER. This time he knew it was the right thing to do. He also expected he would be admitted to the hospital so he packed a bag with his computer and favorite books. He chose the PeaceHealth ER at the hospital where he already had a cholangiogram scheduled for Wednesday.
They admitted Michael and put him on a lot of IV antibiotics and some saline. He did have the cholangiogram procedure which we thought was going to be an in-depth study of the bile ducts. But it wasn’t. They did do a CT scan in preparation and determined that a drain exchange was needed. They did not communicate this clearly. They replaced both drains and upsized the left side. They did it quickly and disturbingly left a note in the report that the drains should be changed every 6-8 weeks! Previously we were managing with an exchange every 12 weeks. The next day Michael was released to go home. I didn’t like the care he got at the hospital. They didn’t continue saline drips and the water tasted horrible so he was quite dehydrated when I got him home. At the hospital he’s not allowed any of the supplements that generally help him feel better, only his prescription meds. There is always a bit of extra recovering after a drain exchange and in this case also recovery from a blood infection that takes a few days.
Well, I should be thankful. He is home. He is recovering. And I am determining to be thankful.
Hah! If you managed to read this whole story you know how I got to the end of this particular rope.
If this was a Facebook entry, I would have posted a lovely picture Erika Raba took of the three of us on a bridge over the Willamette River. She came and visited us on Friday and it was soooo wonderful and refreshing to see her and talk and talk and talk.
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