A year ago I was in PeaceHealth Hospital fighting for my life. I remember the sad faces of the doctors and nurses as they were forced to accept that they had done all they could and sent me home to die in hospice. And I did almost die a month later, but then things began to turn around. During the first two months in hospice friends and family visited to say goodbye. Long distance phone calls went out to others whom I longed to see. Conversations were amazing, filled with crying, laughter, and terms of endearment.
Now a year later, I’m sitting in my recliner, my new best friend, imagining that I’m standing at the top of a mountain looking West at the sun setting behind a distant mountain range. I’ve almost finished my by-land-and-sea journey around the globe of my life. I know home is somewhere over that mountain range. Maybe I will reach that mountain or maybe the mountain will come to me. I don’t know how much time I have left in this body. I know the journey is coming to an end and when it ends I’ll be back where I started, but I’ll be changed, having grown from the experience.
When Sarah and I decided to move away from L.A. we did some research, then we took a trip to explore the Willamette Valley in Oregon. We wanted to smell the air, see the towns, and hike the trails. Eugene felt like home and we moved there. Now I’m researching a different kind of move to a place I’ve lived before but have no memory of.
Since I left my church more than five years ago I’ve been reevaluating my beliefs. What do I believe and why? I was encouraged to have blind faith and to put things I didn’t understand on a virtual shelf rather than question them. But I’m questioning everything now. Is the Bible the inerrant word of God? How much did I believe simply because leaders told me it was true? And how much do I believe because the Holy Spirit revealed it and my conscience and personal experience bore witness? I know this sounds very disruptive and may even be scary but as I went down this path I was rewarded with new insight and a different cosmology. I’ll give you an example that ties back into my journey’s end.
They say God is ineffable, that is to say He or She is beyond the grasp of our mind and words. His thoughts and ways are beyond us. I have to say the same thing about my eternal Self, that part of me that is created in God’s image. I believe that I am eternal, divine, and creative, but I struggle to live with that awareness moment by moment. The apostle Paul alluded to the fact that God in us is the great mystery of the ages. It is a mystery to me. I am a mystery to me.
So where am I going and what is it like there? In exploring these questions, I’ve turned to writings of the mystics, to Anthony Chene’s YouTube videos of near death experiences, and dabbled in Michael Newton’s accounts of people’s memories of life between life (life between incarnations). While the early Church mystics were steeped in Catholic doctrine that tinted their experiences, Chene and Newton’s works paint a very different cosmology where people have similar experiences of unconditional love beyond anything they’ve known regardless of their religious affiliation or their acceptance of Jesus Christ as their savior. In fact religion doesn’t seem to play a role except for a few who may be interpreting what they experience through the lens of their beliefs. I’m not going to get into that but if you are interested, start with Chene’s interviews.
This is what I believe about my true Self and the place I’m going to.
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- My true Self is spirit and soul. It is eternal and I existed long before my birth as a baby boy in 1950.
- While I currently suffer from a form of amnesia that hides my true Self, when I lay aside this human form I will remember who I am and carry home with me the memory of this human life along with its lessons, pains, and triumphs.
- I strongly disagree with the Christian view that we must accept Jesus Christ as our savior or spend the rest of eternity in hell. Here’s why. Suppose I’m an old Spirit. I know Jesus–I mean who doesn’t up here in heaven–we’re brothers! Sure, he’s the head and I’m just part of his body but we think alike and are amazingly One. I’m not as perfect as Jesus but that’s okay, I have eternity to keep growing and learning. One thing I would like to see change is my fear of rejection. I feel like it is holding me back. If I visit Earth, where I will forget who I am and experience suffering, I can change more quickly. Perhaps if I am born into a dysfunctional family I can work on dissolving this fear of rejection. But here is the problem I have with the Christian view: even though I was created a long time ago and I am in a place of love and acceptance, I only get one chance to be a human on Earth. And if I don’t accept Jesus as my Savior while on Earth I will not be allowed to come back home; I’ll be sent to a place of eternal punishment. Even if I’m born to a Christian family there is still a chance I will not accept Jesus. Why would I play this game of Russian Roulette when the stakes are so high? I think I would have to pass on such a risky Earth experience. The Christian worldview seems cruel to me.
- I believe I am returning to a place of love and acceptance, not just for me but for everyone. Maybe some will turn away from the love, but that will be their choice. I don’t even know what that looks like. I’ve seen muddy water more clearly than this. I used to know, but I’ve forgotten. It will be nice to be back home and get some clarity, but I will miss my friends and family here. I’ll try to stay in touch.
- I’m not saying goodbye just yet. I’ve made it a year without treatment. Who knows how much longer I’ll be around? It may surprise us all. Thank you, for being on this journey with me.
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