Bless me Father, I have sinned (let me count the ways- oh wait- that phrase was about love- not sin!) and it has been 1 month since my last confession…
It hasn’t been an easy time. I am presently concluding that I dislike living alone. Wandering the halls and pulling weeds in the expansive yard of an “empty nest” of sorts gives me pause. Together we fixed up the property to be a sanctuary for us and for others. But he is gone and there is a major shift in my life.
And so the past week I had a couple of episodes of feeling a deep hollow well inside that I just know there is no way to fill up. The world around me sinks into shades of black and white as warmth and the color of active expression of love in the home is no more. I don’t have anyone to fuss over. I have lost the person that I managed life with. OK Hazel and I are definitely having more sleep overs and that does help.
In one of my Grief support groups the therapist shared a video on what happens to your brain on grief. It puts your brain in a place where it has to re-learn how to be in the world. This would confirm that suffering of loss can be an open door to spiritual awareness or at least some form of evolution of the mind.
Scriptures for this: The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed. Psalms 34:15. AND Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
Okay I kind of like the idea of doing things differently, and I think change is healthy AND my sons have helped me with taxes (John) and computer issues (Dave).
My grief support groups are interesting. Quite different but both useful in their own way. They both agree that grieving is a process and it is best to face it and feel it, not hide from it. In a Christian sense, talk to Jesus, give him your hurts, and cares and KNOW that he has walked this path and worse and He is with us all the way. And boy to I appreciate that.
In the esoteric meditation tradition sense- (Taoism or Buddhism) there is always change. Nothing is static. We want to control our lives, but it is not the way of the universe. A trauma is often called a gift as it causes your outer shell of controlled life to just shatter and fall to pieces. I feel that. Then I am back to: The Lord is near the broken-hearted.
You sit with your grief. You face it, feel it, and allow it to flow through you, not to get stuck and stagnate and cause contractions inside your mind and/or body.
The psychological processes reviewed in both groups are very similar. Both groups direct you to ask for help, and have discernment as to who you ask. Some people won’t understand and others totally will. It is a safe bet the Jesus understands- whatever you are going through. But I am not afraid to ask all kinds of people and angels for help as well.
I am looking forward for a trip to the East coast, June 6th– June 18th. First to attend the memorial for my sister-in-law, Sandra McClelland who passed away just 3 weeks before Michael. Then I will connect with Michael’s three sisters at Kripalu Yoga retreat center. We will spend a few days there and then take some of Michael’s ashes to a family plot in Portsmouth New Hampshire. From there I will be flying to San Antonio to hang out with the John and Mandy clan for a few days before I return home to Eugene.
It is always good to have something to look forward to.
I also interviewed at CSS (Community Supported Shelters) with my friend Anna. They provide small shelters for the unhoused and create a community and connection for them. It looks Like I am going to help out there by providing instruction for qigong, to help with stress, trauma and overall health. I am looking forward to that also!
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