What Does Your Heart Tell You?

I got the idea for this post in May while sitting up in bed at McKenzie/Willamette Hospital. I was thinking about what story to share with you all and remembered a poem I really like written by Thomas Merton called Thoughts in Solitude. 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I love this poem. In this stage of my life I can completely relate to it: I have no idea where I’m going; I do not see the road ahead of me; and I don’t know where it will end. And there have been times in my life when I thought I was following God’s will but discovered I was not actually doing so. I’d like to elaborate on this aspect of the poem. 

Sarah and I were in our twenties when our first son was born. We were living in Yakima, Washington; Sarah and I were pastors of a small congregation of about 100 people. Both of our parents lived on the East Coast and they weren’t “Christian” enough for us so we didn’t ask for or receive the benefit of their wisdom and advice. 

One afternoon we were visited at home by a middle-aged woman who was traveling through churches in our fellowship with a commission to instruct young parents on child rearing. Her message to us was, “spare the rod, spoil the child.” She encouraged spanking and suggested a wooden spoon would suffice. We received her instruction as God’s will for our family. Our poor little boy suffered the consequence of our religious zeal until one day, with spoon in hand, I fixated on the pale and bright red bruises on his butt from previous spankings and thought, What am I doing? This can’t be right. This is crazy! That moment I  finally aligned with the compass of my own heart. I had been inflicting pain on a one-year-old based on a legalistic view of parenting taught by the church. And child rearing is a family matter, not a church matter. I should have reached out to my parents, not the  church. I thought I was doing the will of God, but now I believe I was mistaken.

Another example of this, which I’m not proud of, is how I treated Sarah. When Sarah and I became engaged, John Stevens, the leader of our fellowship, told us that Sarah was taking the spiritual lead in our relationship and that was wrong. “The man has to be the head of the household and lead the family.” Stevens told me to get with it and be more aggressive to take the spiritual leadership. I was really taken back by this counsel. I was reading the Bible and praying every day; I attended all the weekly church services and went to mid-week Bible studies and prayer meetings; and I would occasionally fast for 3 or 5 days at a time. I didn’t know how I could be more spiritual.

After that counsel from Stevens, I became defensive whenever Sarah even looked like she was “leading.” I didn’t know what to do and I ended up berating Sarah and “putting in her place,” somewhere beneath and behind me. I was the man of the house and I had the final word about everything from the big decisions down to petty things like what she could and could not wear. Another thing I did was monitor her conversations and let her know when she said too much. It sounds bad, but it was actually worse than bad because it was legalistic, critical, and often harsh. I was, after all, the man in charge. 

In 1987 Sarah and I considered divorce. It was a difficult time but we got through it and I slowly started treating her better. Old habits die hard. Our relationship kept improving, thank God, and we are both so much happier now that we are equals, free to love one another, and free to be ourselves. And we take turns leading and following because we both have talents and gifts that make us more whole.  

I’m sharing this because I know there are other Christian men who believe it is God’s will to dominate their wife. They won’t express it in those words but it is often what happens. And some are even encouraged by pastors and peers to do so. But as Thomas Merton experienced in his own life, the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. So much evil has been done in the name of the Lord. And Jesus himself said, “If the light in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” It’s such a dark thing because we think it is light so there doesn’t appear to be any need to question it. I want to encourage you: question it. Question what others tell you is the will of God. They may be right but they may be wrong. What does your heart tell you? 

Disclaimer: It’s 5am, 13 1/2 hours since I published this story and I feel compelled to clarify one thing. 

I know men who are far from dominating. I’m not trying to lay this burden on any of them. This is my story. Please read it as such. When you put a young man into an abusive culture, be it militaristic, corporate, government, or religion, there is a risk that young man will bring that culture home. I was raised in a Navy home and my stepfather was an officer who ruled with absolute authority. Even though I rebelled, the seeds of hierarchy were planted. I also spent two years in the Marine Corps so it was natural for me to embrace church hierarchy and male dominance as the norm. My deliverance has happened over time and it may still be happening on deeper levels. Every year Sarah and my relationship seems to get better, more fulfilling, and more fun. Yay!