Update August 29, 2025

In the last update I mentioned finding Michael’s flip flops on my porch and starting to sob. Well, a couple weeks later I decided to wash them off and put them on. And Lo and Behold, they fit! I decided it was a message from Michael that he did not leave shoes too big for me to fill! OK, yeah my feet are big but I have since tried on a lot of his other shoes- they do NOT fit. Haha.

Full disclosure. I finished my last update saying that I thought Michael was teaching me to find him in a different way. Here are the actual words that came from him in my mind.

MICHAEL: I am proud of you. You do need to go forward and explore and learn and grow. I am inside of you… sort of… you are bringing me with you in a different way than if I were still alive. It is a more powerful and adaptable way. It is teaching you something new even.

And since my last update, I have felt him moving with me, in me, maybe through me.

Before this I was really not liking living alone. I considered getting a housemate.  Now I am OK with it and actually enjoying it. Choosing to have alone time. (That is probably Michael coming through) I know I am NOT alone because I feel part of Michael’s essence living through me. To do all the yard work, to go camping, hiking, climbing. To work through the plethora of books he purchased about Christian mystics and the Lost books of the Bible. I am going slow with that. I am not a reader like he was. I almost feel him pushing me.

After writing all that, in my grief support group, the leader read a beautiful poem called “A Love Letter from the Afterlife”. It was such a confirmation to what I have been feeling. Here are a few lines and also a link so you can read the whole poem if you like. It was written by Andrea Gibson when she was near death after a long battle with cancer.

Quotes: My love, I was so wrong, dying is the opposite of leaving. . . that portal of light was not a portal to elsewhere but a portal to here. . . I am more with you than I ever could have imagined. . . So close you look past me when wondering where I am. It’s OK. I know that to be human is to be farsighted.  . . At night I sit ecstatic at the loom weaving forgiveness into our worldly regrets.

https://andreagibson.substack.com/p/love-letter-from-the-afterlife

Grief is not a sickness, madness, or pathology. Nor is the death of a loved one a strange occurrence that needs to be controlled, hidden, or forgotten. I am so thankful for hospice. The bright light within our medical system that allows death as a natural process. Death is not the failure of the medical system. It is natural. It is about sitting with the dying, allowing it. And then of course, there are the traumatic deaths- where medicine often shines the most- bringing back to life many who would not have survived without that help. When death comes that way, I would imagine the grieving process would take longer.

And so, I strive to allow my grief. It keeps morphing, changing, and evolving. Now I feel something like a raw edge inside of my body- the raw edge of integration. Michael is now just there, forever a part of me. His energy, his craziness, his drive for adventure. I decided that I am taking a bit of Michael’s ashes with me to spread in so many of the places he wanted to go when we moved here. Hazel said she is fine with me doing this as long as I save some ashes to keep at home.

First stop was camping in Mt. Shasta. I went last weekend with 3 other friends who have lost loved ones. What an amazing and beautiful experience. Of course, the people I was with had all recently been crushed by grief. And when you are shattered and broken that is when you actually find things that are eternal and real that reach far beyond this earth realm.

Many seekers of spiritual awakening and travelers from other countries show up on Mt. Shasta. It is energetically supposed to be the root chakra of Gaia, the earth itself.  I will just say, that with all the energetic practices I have been working with (qigong) I was able to feel with a lot more clarity some of these spirals and vortexes of energy. Mainly just a lot of energy radiating off the surface of the mountain itself. The presence of the mountain can be felt from a pretty wide radius of approach.

Me and 1 of my friends had both brought ashes with us and we went on a long hike on Sunday climbing up to a verdant meadow on the side of the mountain. There, snow-melt caused wildflowers of all colors to bloom and a bubbling, gurgling stream to swell as it made its way around rocks, small growth bushes, and making lovely little pools for soaking your feet or whatever you are brave enough to dip into that ice cold water.

We found a sheltered patch by some trees and large boulders where we did a ceremony and said prayers for our loved ones.

To get to this magic meadow we connected with a group of young people in their 20s who knew the way. I got close up to the end of the group of around 8 hikers pretending I was drafting so I could have the sense of being pulled up the mountain with their strong and youthful energy! They also stopped by 2 large medicine circles that people had laid out with carefully placed rocks overlooking a canyon area. I stood in the middle of one and was overwhelmed with awareness of how all of this is for the good. It felt like my heart was being grabbed and squeezed a little and tears just flooded my eyes as I stood in almost a place of zero space, time or gravity.

I have other adventures planned – maybe riding the rim of Crater Lake on a bicycle with some neighbors and a possible trip to Sedona.

Meanwhile I hired someone to help me re-landscape the backyard, because the new shed stands out like a sore thumb. Hah!

Love to all of you and thank you for your prayers….