Update February 6, 2026

Thank you all for your prayers. I had a wonderful trip to San Antonio. John and Mandy took good care of me. Anaiah tried sleeping with me the first night but I coughed so much and I was afraid I would wake her up so I didn’t sleep. So, after that the routine was- I could tell her a story before bed in my room and then in the morning her job was to get me out of bed. She would come in the room bring me clean underwear (always a priority) and encourage me to get up and dressed. One morning I kept saying to myself. “Get up! Get up, it is time to get up” trying to motivate myself out of bed. The following conversation ensued:

Anaiah: Who are you talking to?

Me: Myself! Do you ever talk to yourself?

Anaiah: No. Well maybe that is Papa talking to you.

Me: Umm, maybe. You know you can talk to him whenever you want. He is around. You just have to listen for him.

Aaniah (shaking her head and tapping her heart): No, it is because you were married so long to him and you have a heart connection. So, he will always talk to you.

Me (nodding): I think you are probably right.

Then one day the sun came out.  We all went into the backyard to soak up the rays. Anaiah had kept telling me that she loves butterflies the most. And a butterfly showed up. It flew towards her a number of times. I put my hand out and it landed on my hand. Then it landed on John who tried to hand it off to Anaiah. It waited patiently and landed on Anaiah’s dress and on Mandy and Zaiah and finally right on Anaiah’s finger where it stayed for quite a while. I had mentioned to the group, that in many cultures even seeing butterflies represents connection with loved ones who have transitioned out of their earthly bodies and they are seen as a message of hope. But having one land on the whole family and end up chilling on the little girl’s finger, well that is extra special. I asked her what the butterfly was telling her. She said, “They are my very best friend.”

I felt stronger each day during the visit. They even took me to the tower of Americas and for a nice lunch along the River Walk. And I got to go to church with them and spend time with Ellie.

After I had been home for around a week, I realized I kept having the feelings that I wasn’t getting better, and perhaps it was time to die. I realized there was another layer of anxiety hanging on after the illness. I asked for guidance and help and what came was that what I went through was no small thing. Almost like facing a small death. It was similar to the anxiety that came just after Michael left. The idea that death can happen at any time.

I said, “I want to trust and let go. But this is hard.” I heard back, “You are facing the dragon. The dragon is fear itself.”

I prayed for help in being able to trust myself and God. In full realization that the frail body is not much. I made it clear that if I am to live, I want to be able to serve.

I did some breath work and went to sleep and had a dream.

There was a big gathering- people from our church who had left and people who had stayed. At first, I showed myself to people I am comfortable with, then I made my way to the big meeting place. My hair was long and loose. I was wearing some kind of flowy hippie dress and shirt. Something I would have worn in the 1960s. I worried that people would think I went back to my old hippie ways!  And then, I thought, what does that matter?

The meeting hall was high end with fancy doors. Gary Hargrave was talking addressing the group. I went inside and there were fancy restaurant booths where you could sit and listen and take notes. Most people were typing on some kind of device. I saw people I know but they avoided my gaze. There was room in the booth by Gary Higgins- he shot me a quick glance and went back to typing. I sat in his booth. And then a swing came down from the sky for me and I got on it. I slowly learned that I could lay all the way back and it supported me totally from my toes to my head. I could close my eyes and just ride the wave back and forth. It felt wonderful- like trust. I was completely supported as I swung back and forth. I put out no effort of my own. I woke up and thought how nice that felt.  Whenever the fear would come, I would remember the feeling of the supported swing and I knew all would be well.

The next weeks some friends recommended a great book to me.  It is called The Artist’s Way.  It has been around for over 30 years, but I had never heard of it. It drew me in because it is about nourishing the creative energy within. It is a spiritual path because it acknowledges the gifts deep down that we often allow ego or different cultural norms to smash down. I realized I really do need to find what I am here to do now and allow it. To remove the inner critic that says I am too old, a woman, or it is not in the cards for me to be allowed to pursue dreams. (Haha- because there are other very important people who are doing that and I just need to follow them!)  When the book said to write down my dreams my response was, “Dreams? I gave up on those; I didn’t think I was allowed to have them. I wouldn’t know what they were anyway.”

And then I waited and realized, wait I do have dreams and aspirations. It is not too late, and I am not too old.

If anyone feels interested in this kind of radically different way to look at your own life, I do recommend the book!

After starting the Artist’s Way, one chapter a week, I started thinking perhaps I am living with a princess- that is me. So I started asking her throughout the day what she wants to do for herself- what she wants to eat etc. It is a way for me to break away from my TODO list, which I still have of course. It is a fun tool to help me stay on the track of honoring the sacred within me.

A couple of days ago she told me to get out my bike and ride along the river. And I did and it felt really good!