Update January 9, 2026

Right before Christmas I had a lovely trip to the Columbia River Gorge with Dave and Hope and Hazel. We saw waterfalls so full that they were exploding downwards spraying all beings near and far with an energy that just had to go somewhere! We spent one night in Hood River at a hotel and I hesitate to tell you the story of how I embarrassed myself and everyone else by helping myself to, and also spilling a lot of the red and green M&Ms so carefully put in a jar and “sort of” sealed shut. I mean, I see M&Ms in a jar on the counter (sealed shut or not) and that translates to a snack. Of course, the staff said no worries as they rapidly cleaned up after me. Hazel later explained that that was a game for members. You were supposed to write down your guess of how many M&Ms were in the jar, and the closest guess would win a prize. I don’t know maybe some M&Ms in a jar? “Nana!” said Hazel suppressing the appropriate eyeroll “You know you ruined the game!”

Later in the week we had Christmas day together and the next day I got sick, and everyday there after sicker and sicker. There were plenty of details that I will not trudge through.  In summary, this took me through Michael and My 52nd anniversary. And I wasn’t too sad because of it, because I feel he is still with me. I made him a little card. Then the anniversary of his death came up and it was like I was dangled over a bottomless pit of darkness and I fell into it. Then I got physically worse and worse.

Some of the feelings and messages of that time:

Dreams: There was a voice, it said, “I am showing you this so you can understand the preciousness of time.” Then I was shown a couple that had 2 young babies.  One was around 2 years old but very ill and close to death. They also had a new baby that also did not look well. I was closer to the new baby.  The current concern was for the older one. An alert would go off so the parents would take the older baby to the doctors. There was no cure, but there was some kind of treatment. It would keep her alive a few more hours. I kept thinking, you don’t want me around your kids because I am sick.

I think the point was that every extra 3 hours is precious time with the little one.

Maybe it is because I went to bed being thankful for the blood transfusions Michael had that gave him (me) an extra 3 months of time.

Later I remembered that the voice also said: “It is important that you believe and stay firm in that.”

Believe in what and stay firm in what?? In my life various beliefs have not seemed to help me as the mind shifts and changes with the wind. Perhaps it refers to the eternal- staying rooted in that unconditional love and just a knowing, not a believing.

Then Roslyn, my close spiritual friend, said to ask the characters in the dream what their role was and who they represented.  Eventually I heard from the babies that they represent layers of grief and the timing of it.

On January 3, I was sent to the ER. Dave took me.

This time I am the one at the ER, waiting. There are so many shadows of the past there. They call my name for bloodwork. Remember, give your birthday, not his. IT is my medical card I hand over, not Michaels. Oh yeah, this is for me now.

Miraculously there was only a 3 hour wait at Peacehealth Emergency Dept. Two hours less than average. They listened to my breath, prescribed antibiotics, said my blood work was OK. I would recover at home. Final diagnosis Influenza A and pneumonia.

Once again, I feel like I have been walking closely with a close, intimate friend, perhaps an erstwhile lover? Death, and mortality. We walked closely on and off during Michael’s journey before his own death. I mean we were together on an off for almost 2 years. Is death my X? Or just an ongoing companion.  I think the latter.

Michael had a lot of hard things that I feel now. I am so sorry for not understanding what he was going through, a new respect for what he went through is born into my heart. I understand why it was so hard to want to eat, and that that food had to be made incredibly desirable by some kind of deep childhood memory or emotional nurturance in order for him to even look its way.

This has garnered me more compassion, but also having to face the fact that I am not happy about my husband leaving me that day in December 2024. It all makes sense that it was his time to go, I tell myself, but it still hurts and I don’t like it. Then in the middle of the pain I have a vision, it is Jesus- he reminds me of the time when Lazarus died. He was young, his sisters were devastated. “Lord if you had been here, he would not have died.” And the scripture says, “Jesus Wept”. In my vision he holds my hands and says, “It is OK.” And he cries with me again.  I want to allow the bright light of day to pierce me through with the same strength as death itself.  So that there is that dance and that balance between the two.

Just now I saw a spot of sunlight coming onto the chair in my workout room.  I slide onto it. I want whatever I can absorb. I sit here. It lasts all of 20 seconds. Then more looming clouds. It is only 3:30PM but it is so dark it feels like I should shut down the house, go to bed.

But no, the sun comes back out and every day I become stronger.

AND I am well enough to travel and tomorrow I plan on flying to San Antonio to visit John, Amanda, Anaiah and Zaiah for a week.  Yay!

OK prayer please: That I can recover my health and strength plus some.

Blessings for a wonder full new year- coming your way! Love to all!