Update June 28, 2025

Warning: This is a little long- there are many stories to tell.

I made it home Wednesday the 18^th, from my epic journey to the east coast and down to Texas, then home. I attended my brother Duncan’s wife’s memorial service in Cornwall.  It was a beautiful Quaker-style service (silent worship and people standing and sharing as they were moved.) I got to see many people that I haven’t seen in 50 plus years. Yes, a bit hard to recognize but some just haven’t changed that much!

My siblings and I have many memories of what seemed like idyllic times and adventures in this particular locale.  Not that the times were idyllic, but because at the ages of 4- 12 we didn’t know about the complexity of life. We were spontaneous and always exploring. “Let’s go climb through this water pipe under the road!”  “Yeah! Sure!” Or, “Hey let’s write a play, charge money for it and invite the whole community. We can do that in the hayloft!”  “Great idea!  Let’s do it.”  There were no TVs, no telephones. (not even a land line) Just us, some comic books (Jabez), regular books (Sarah), trees, and underbrush.

From there my sister Katie, her daughter, Joanna, and, I drove to Albany, New York where Joanna lives. I thought it was a marvelous smaller town around 100,000 population (smaller than Eugene) with a nice community feel. Maybe the community feel was due to Moses and Joanna, that is what they emanate. a lovely feeling. Moses cooked us dinner and it was pretty magic. I am just saying.

I was delighted to get to see their three sons Christian (Temo) 23 years old, Dylan (19 years old) and Niko (9 years old).

I was especially pleased that Dylan is into Brazilian Ju Jitsu and all kinds of philosophy, especially Daoism. Oh yes!

From there I made my way to Kripalu Yoga retreat center. The building is a huge imposing brick building (built as a Jesuit monastery in the 1950s), but it is perfectly situated between field and forest with an expansive view of the lake and surrounding hills.

It rained on and off at first.  It was just me in a dorm room with two other ladies. I got a lower bunk. It reminded me of Shiloh. Many people are there for self-directed R&R.

They have healthful and delicious meals. Breakfast is silent to maintain a meditative state in the morning. During the day there are all kinds of classes and activities you can choose to attend. I got to: Go on a guided kayaking tour, a guided meditative hike, I joined multiple yoga classes (OK the “moderate” one was a little much for me), I took classes on how to sleep better and classes on pranayama (breathwork)for sleep. Most importantly I was able to attend a class on Chinese astrology. Fascinating, of course, to me. So much so that I hired the speaker to do my Chinese astrology chart.

That experience was amazing. It was so accurate regarding my life. I guess because of my age, I have lived a lot of it already and so I noticed that it pretty much described a lot of what I have been through and laid out the potential for what is forthcoming.

Then Linda, Laura and Colleen showed up and the 4 of us got one room. A queen bed and a bunk bed. That was pretty cozy! We did different things during the days, some together sometimes not, but we always ended up eating together. On the last day we walked the labyrinth together. It was very nice.

It was on a guided hike there where Michael began to express physical signs. You know the kooky tricks the people who pass away like to play from the other side sometimes.  The tour guide told us to sit by the lake for meditation and rest. I put my palms up like one often does in meditation, and then one long green pine needle floated neatly into my palm. I held on to it.  There were no trees anywhere around there that had the long needles. Then the guide walked over to Laura and said, “Look what we have here.” And she pulled another long pine needle from her hair. I shared with her about what had landed in my hand.

From there we all drove to Portsmouth, New Hampshire. We walked through town and Linda told of her memories of her and Michael there when they stayed with grandparents. And there in a well-kept garden we saw the kind of tree with the long pine needles. Linda also showed us the orphanage where she and Michael had to go for awhile when Grandma was in the hospital. We didn’t go inside, but she was pleased on this particular visit she was not triggered by the trauma that had occurred to her there seventy years prior. Michael had gotten sick and he was tucked away in the infirmary and she couldn’t find him anywhere.

Then we took some of Michael’s ashes and officially put them in the family plot.  We read some things and cried a little. Later in the evening after the ashes had been properly buried and the grass put back in its place, we brought some flowers and placed them on the site.

I also gave them all a qigong class there in the graveyard. Graveyards are nice that way.  Not a lot of people and there is space and natural surroundings. To be considerate Laura advised that we move to a spot that was not yet used by someone!

Then it was off to the Boston airport early the next morning and I arrived in San Antonio around noon. John picked me up and there I had a lovely, lovely time with the little grandkids. They were attached to me. I did everything possible for them. They asked for: Nana needs to unlock our car seats, wipe our butts, brush our teeth, and tell us night time stories. And we need a lot of drinks only from nana’s water bottle. I slept so good there and felt wonderful.

While I was in Texas, Linda sent a text with a picture of not just a lone long green pine needle but a twig with many needles attached.  It was laying in the middle of the sidewalk where she was walking. Again no tree in the area that had the long needles. I think it was Michael ‘s way of saying we are family and we are all connected at the root.

After I got home and had settled in, maybe after 3 days, I looked around the house and it reminded me of Michael and I lost it- sobbing and crying…”What is the point of going on without you?”  I howled.

This was oddly the opposite of what I was feeling on the trip. I felt so empowered and like – this is good. I can actually do more even without him.

Then that evening, I got sick. – Just a cold and laryngitis. I was functional until 4 days in, then I got a fever and it was clear to me that I had developed a secondary infection. I dutifully drove myself to the Urgent care. They confirmed pneumonia and so I got on antibiotics that night. I am doing a better now.

Pneumonia is an infection of the lungs. And it is of interest to me that according to Chinese medicine the lungs are deeply connected to grief and sadness.

AI quote: :-)\

• Lungs and Metal Element: The lungs are associated with the Metal element in the Five Element theory, which represents themes of purification, boundaries, and letting go.
• Grief and Letting Go: Grief, a natural response to loss, is the primary emotion linked to the lungs. In TCM, the process of letting go of grief and sadness is vital for lung health and overall well-being.

Then the strangest thing happened. I went to bed. It was late and I had a fever of 101.4 so I was not thinking straight. I was worried about not going to teach my new qigong classes that started the next day and how would I notify everyone. I would nod off then I would hear this knock, knock, knocking. Close to my bedroom and close to my neighbors. I even got up and looked outside, and didn’t see anyone out there. I also texted the neighbors to see if they had house guests who were trying to get in. It was late they did not answer.

It kept happening right before I would start to doze off.

“Knock, knock, knock!” an hour later I did fall asleep and in the middle of the night with the great brilliance that seems to come upon me in night time reveries that of course- I had made the whole thing up.  It was me that was knocking.  (What??) Before falling asleep

Finally in the morning I thought how silly that was- of course it was some sort of animal. Later today I mentioned it to the neighbor I had texted and he said for sure it was one of the crows. And that this reminded him of The Raven poem by Edgar Allen Poe. That is all about loss and grief.

After I read the poem I realized- wow! I was in my own version of The Raven. It is quite a good one on grief. . . .

He was grieving the loss of his Love, Lenore,

Quoth The Raven: Nevermore!

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48860/the-raven

And so, there are many strange and sundry ways that grief is working its way through my life!

Last night as I was in the in-between state, I listened and heard that to help heal the lungs it is important to strengthen the heart. The two are connected and they help each other. What better way to strengthen heart than: LOVE

In the morning, I chose to strengthen my heart with more qigong/ worship to Glorious Louange! In French of course.