Shortly after the last blog I set out on a trip to Sedona, Arizona with Lauren Beckman. She had previously invited me to fly into Mesa, Arizona airport where she would pick me up and we would drive the two hours to Sedona.
OK, we talked non-stop in the car, eating in fabulous restaurants, getting coffee, and walking to the many venues. Ann Rice even drove up to have lunch with us one day. It was good to be with these ladies. There was a lot to process and a lot that we are all working through, and this was a good place to do it. Thankfully our conversations were punctuated with qigong by the river and qigong at a vortex site.
The more I learn about how some of the younger people were treated in our abusive, hierarchical church culture, the more I am amazed that I stayed in that environment so long. But we all loved each other so much and that is a big deal, but the governance was all wrong, on so many levels.
The following weekend, back in Eugene, I was invited to a Grief Ceremony by one of my buddies from a grief support group. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The ceremony came from West Africa where people grieve intensely and freely, very different than what happens in our western culture. Here in the west, we are encouraged to: “ Be strong,” “Think positive”, “Time heals all wounds”. And in the church community I was taught emotions are an expression of the soul-flesh and therefore something to be avoided. When in reality allowing the full range of emotion is necessary and support from others is truly helpful. In the west we may get a therapist. But in this ceremony, we were all there to support each other in whatever we were needing to face. There were a lot of tears, some angry yelling, and some wailing. In this ceremony we chanted over and over (in a different language) “Help me! I can’t do this alone!” When a person feels a wave of grief coming on as it does, they would run to the altar falling down and yelling, or crying or just sitting, but always someone is behind them hands extended in support. No one is alone. If you want to be touched you indicate that by tapping your shoulder. Many are just held and embraced and rocked while they go through the process of grieving.
It was exhausting. It was an all-day process of sharing – grieving, clean up and sharing some more. I was so ready for bed that night!
One of the most well-known American proponents of this process is Frances Weller. His book: The Wild Edge of Sorrow” is excellent. I think I am underlining more sentences in this book than any other book I have ever read. Even the Bible! 😊He puts in words what all of our souls need to hear and understand. I highly recommend the book. Grief is much more of a communal process than I ever imagined.
I also have been listening to Anderson Cooper’s “All There Is” podcast about grief. In the podcast Anderson is publicly declaring his lack of facing his buried grief by talking with others (usually famous people) who have suffered loss, and discussing their experiences and how they have handled it. It is very useful to listen to.
One of his guests (Patti Smith) called her personal grief a sacred wound. I like that description. To me it is sacred because it changes you forever. You will never be the same. During the grief process you are changed in a way that you become more compassionate and more appreciative of life. You don’t really know what you have in being alive until you see, feel, and experience loss. We can grieve over many losses including but not limited to: Divorce, loss of income, loss of a business, loss of your own health, a move, death of a pet, loss of a church community, the damage done to our mother earth, and the loss of a loved one.
One night last week during wakeful hours I asked to talk to one of my guides. I call her Sabida, since she reminds me of lady wisdom. In the past I have found her in a farm house with a large porch with happy white ducks roving around the lawn. When I formed the intent to find out what she would recommend for me I notice suddenly I am dressed in a forest green gossamer dress. I am told I need the green for healing. Then I see one of her ducks dead in my arms. I am told that things have to die and that I should eat the duck and get the energy from that death and absorb it into my being. I am at first repulsed by the idea. These ducks were such a lovely accoutrement to her dwelling. Then I do understand that I need to be healed, allowing the death process to what I had with Michael, and use that sacred scar, the pain, and emotion to ingest creating an alchemical change so that I have the strength to move forward. At least, that is my current interpretation.
A couple of days later a pair of ducks showed up in my front yard, they were not white, but beautiful Mallard ducks a male and a female. That has never happened before in this neighborhood. I texted the neighbor so they could see, then both ducks took to flight. No, I didn’t try killing and eating them. Hah!
I will end with this next piece of writing that was written to read at a birthday party, where all who attended brought something creative to share. We had: An original cartoon, Interpretive dance, dreams read out loud and interpreted, two different original songs sung along with guitar, a long list of synchronicities recounted, and some wild prose read with an intense British accent.
I prepared my prose, printed it out and left it at home. Ooops.
So I said I would share it on this blog, even though it is pretty personal.
MY INNER TEACHER
It’s like a pinball in machine in my head
A thought comes in, something someone said?
And “Bing!” there it goes- I watch it bounce “what if?” “what if?”
“Take a deep breath,” some part of me says, “feel your belly rise and fall- slowly, slowly.”
I slow down the breath; the ball is still there in my head but it slows also.
“What do you feel under your skin?” the voice continues. I wonder who is talking.
“Ah, maybe it is an irritation or a vibration?” I say.
“What about your emotions?” this inner voice is persistent.
“Um, let’s see, they are all over the place really.” I say this after spending some time trying to actually feel them. There is fear, there is anger, there is concern for my loved ones and for the whole world really.
“Good, lets smooth them and soothe them.”
“How?”
“By stepping back, observing them and acknowledging them, honoring them, and letting them release. Believe me they stop being as persistent when they feel they have been heard. Was there a time when you were in danger and no one heard? Maybe bad things happened and you put a smile on your face and went on living? These parts of you do NOT want that happening again. So, listen. Allow. Assure the fearful chatterer that you will not let that happen again. But tell them they need to calm down so you can actually act properly if there is, indeed, a dangerous situation.”
I freeze at this information coming from inside me. It is true there were situations in my life that I did know I was threatened and bad things did happen. How did I handle it? I disassociated myself from the occurrence. That happened to a five-year-old someone in the story of my life. And she behaved pretty poorly afterwards and well, she could be the reason for the problem itself. I had separated that little girl part of me like she was in a petri dish in a lab. But now I crumble a bit inside, facing that little girl, I start to cry. I feel for her fear and anger. I apologize for shutting her out and I tell her that it is OK, and that this was not her fault, it was, well it just was. I tell her I honor her and love her, and that yes, bad things happen.
The voice went on, “It is your job to live in this world with full awareness of where you are at every moment. Your feet are on the ground and the breath is in your body. You care for a lot of people. You can make clear choices and decisions going forward with a more smoothed out non-reactive emotional sense. So a first step is to go back and acknowledge the pain and loss and the pin-ball machine in your head can slow way down.”
I bow to myself and keep breathing.
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