Update October 13, 2025

My Eugene Garden Coach – allowed me to help him make my backyard more beautiful, adding in some of my favorite plants and others that will have different colors and textures throughout the seasons! Plants now soften the hard fenced edges and as they grow they will cover some of the sharp-edged large new apartment buildings next door.  The large Douglas firs got a small trimming to some of the low-lying limbs that had crawled into my yard space. This allows the eye to reach the back of the property giving a more expansive feel to the space.

I am have had to learn how to set up drip-hose systems and hang hose holders (using a power drill). All things Michael did for me. In my grief support group I had everyone laughing when I explained that I learned how to basically use the power drill from my daughter-in-law, but the next day after she was gone, it just wasn’t working for me. The screwdriver piece was just skipping all over. I had to slow down and read each line of the instructions. Oh! You have to apply steady pressure to the back and bottom of the drill! Haha!

It seems, as soon as I feel I have conquered something and yeah, I do get proud of myself, then another layer of grief is exposed. Barreling up from my subconscious bringing with it the sense of some kind of unreasonable anxiety, and bouts of tears.

One such appeared after listening to some dear friends from my former church community share their experiences on podcasts. I realized how much I missed my community of so many years. There is definitive grief for that loss.

Then something akin to nostalgia popped up. I remembered Michael sitting in his southwest style chair (still the most comfortable one I own) in our LA house and there was this kind of yearning for all the connections with others we had emanating from that house.

That “good old days” nostalgia is pretty flawed. I also like to think back to how much I liked laying on the red rug in my parent’s bedroom petting my black cat, encased in sense of belonging and love. But truly, the last thing I want, is to go back and be 8 years old again!

Soon after that feeling, I had a wonderful dream. I was considering the apparent loss of my community and my husband and I was just there trying to fix up a house and I wanted to do a lot of changes. Michael was there physically and looked pretty strong at that point. Maybe he was giving me advice?

Then I heard about this lady that was giving some talks and broadcasting them all over the world. Someone, I believe, from the yogic traditions my parents followed during their last days. The lady was ill, but that didn’t matter. There was a large group of people (community) around me and they were listening so I went and listened as well. Inspired by a message of love, I wanted to contribute something. I looked next to me and there was a small change purse with coins in it.  I thought, I will give this. I brought it over somewhere and donated. Then I went back and sat down, and next to me was now a bill fold filled with large bills. I looked around and asked people if it was theirs.  They said – “No but this happens with Amaji, money will just show up as you give. It is a flow.” So, I took it and gave the money. Then I realized there was so much more to give- abundance would just keep showing up. I was telling people, “This is a miracle flow. You give and then more keeps coming!” I was trying to explain it to someone else and I said it was like nursing a baby. The more the baby drinks the more milk is made by your body.

When I awoke, I realized there was a current community surrounding me. I was making a lot of friends and they were close to me. Just like the small purse.  I have started working with the teens at the church as well as the babies. It is so different than my past exposures, but one day at a time, I will slowly learn names and just be there to support them, a little at a time.

I have also started working at Community Supported Shelters (CSS). A place that advocates and sets up temporary housing for the unhoused. What my friend Anna requested from me was Qigong lessons! She did not have to twist my arm. We are starting with staff members. They love the moments of peace and self-care in the midst of a very intense job.

A week or so after my lovely dream, grief appeared for something else- beyond Michael himself. It is hard to explain but he has transmuted into my life in a new way, like he is always with me, more a part of me then a separate being. I am the only one here with the physical body currently. But– I was missing the “nest”. When you get married you make a safe place for you and your partner. Then often that is where the children are until they leave the nest. Later you still have your partner. But, I thought, now that he is gone why do I even have a house. I don’t like coming home to an empty house. No special evenings with my special person. It does help having Hazel sleepovers. But the majority of days I come home to no one. It is kind of letting go of PLACE rather than a person. I think it may be tied up with how hard it is to let go of Michael’s clothing and other items.

So, I guess I love challenges, I looked into selling my second car. I knew I didn’t need 2 cars! When I started doing the research I felt panicky about it.  So crazy! I was messing with the “hardscape” of the nest.

But once the sale was finalized, and the Nissan was delivered and out of my garage, it gave me a sense of peace and SPACE. Along with that came the hope and joy of endless possibilities of what can be done with something once we truly let go of the old. I thought to myself, the new space in my garage could be an art studio, or a rave dance space?

Dave and Hope recommended a short Netflix series (3 episodes) called Sparking Joy to help with this process. A lovely show on “tidying,” letting go of everything you are holding onto that does not bring you JOY. Highly recommend.

I send this off to you all with heartfelt wishes and prayers for clear pathways ahead to forge love, care and grace into all those who surround us all!